(Because I said so)
It was BBQ night in our house this week.
I made ribs (recipe soon I swear).
I made roasted potatoes (maybe recipe soon…, I guess if you can’t figure out how to roast a potato you may need me more than I thought).
AND most importantly I made coleslaw because that’s what one does when they make BBQ (please also note that I misspelled “most” and put “moist” and almost left it because that shit’s funny).
Because I had them in the house and wanted to make things all fancy-like, I added shaved Brussel sprouts to the cabbage and carrots (and let’s face it. They are just cuter cabbages anyway).
Because I had them in the house and didn’t want them to go bad (because It’s friggen fruit fly season and it’s making me hostile) I added apples.
YOU GUYS! This was the move. I’m a genius I swear (and I know this wasn’t my idea but pfffft I made it happen and it was delicious and I’m taking credit for it ALL!!! MUAHAHAHA!).
Here is what you need:
-1 bag of coleslaw veggies (yeah I said it. Bag. Why buy two different kinds of cabbage AND carrots and only use some of it, when you can buy exactly the amount you need in a bag and be judged for it by others?).
-10 large shaved Brussel sprouts (Yes, shaved. Slice them thinly with a knife, toss em’ in the food processor, use a lady Bic for all I care. We just want them to match the texture of the bagged cabbage. OH and fun fact: you can buy these already shaved if you’re feeling lazy! You do you).
-1 large gala apple cut into matchsticks (julienned for those of us who are annoyingly fancy).
-1 tsp. (or so) fresh lemon juice (to toss your apples in so they don’t get all brown and gross-looking like me after too much sun).
-¼ cup apple cider vinegar (ACV for those of you who drink this shit to be healthy…. I’m not judging. I’m marveling…).
-3 (heaping) tbsp. brown sugar (light or dark. It’s your call! I don’t discriminate when it comes to sugar… unless it’s coconut sugar… what even IS that???).
-½ cup mayonnaise (I used low fat because I’m round and all that jazz).
-2-3 tbsp. grainy Dijon mustard (yes. I think the grainy part matters here. It’s prettier and we judge things based on how they look… I mean food obviously. Not like people or anything).
-Salt and pepper to taste (but like probably a tsp or so of each… but add a little at a time so we don’t ruin everything like we usually do… not that I have that kind of complex… ugh we don’t judge!).
OK while I work out my issues over here, you can get started with the preparing.
NOTE: THIS IS NO COOK! WOO!!!
In a large bowl dump (super technical culinary term) the bagged slaw mix, the 10 shaved Brussel sprouts and the match-sticked (it is too a word!) apples that have been tossed in lemon juice (and as a result are so very pretty).
NOTE: I probably should have told you before but we don’t peel these apples. We want pretty flecks of red. We like red. So If you peeled your apple, everything is ruined and you should just throw everything out and cry… OR maybe we can forgive you this one time and you can keep going. Just let this be a lesson to you that you should read a recipe entirely before jumping in. Even if that recipe is obnoxiously written by some condescending and controlling woman).
In a separate container (I like to use a glass measuring cup for this because I can measure as I go and it’s easy to pour but if you don’t have one of those because why would you or whatever, you can use a bowl or something), add in the ¼ cup apple cider vinegar, 3 tbsp. brown sugar, ½ cup of (whatever fat level you see fit) mayo and the 2 (large like my thighs, hence the low fat mayo) tbsp. of grainy Dijon mustard.
Mix together till completely blended and the sugar has dissolved.
Taste it (because we do that now right?).
Add the desired salt and pepper (tasting along the way… and remembering not to use the spoon you just put in your mouth to taste again because um… gross, just make extra dishes this one time OK?).
Pour over your coleslaw mix and toss (hehehe).
Taste again (add more salt and pepper if you need to).
You can serve this immediately and it’s delicious but if you really love your pals, you should refrigerate this for at least an hour.
In all honestly, the longer the better (BAHAHAHA) because we want all of those flavors to meld.
Use as a side dish or have a whole bowl if it for lunch like I did… It’s your party after all.
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