“Faux Mein”

Because it’s not authentic lo mein… and because I like to explain my jokes to you.

Sometimes I like to challenge myself. Its super rare because I like to control the outcome of literally everything in life and trying something new makes me vulnerable to failure, which I deem unacceptable (I’m so low key right???).

This rare adventure into something new, I decided it should be Asian inspired. I NEVER make Asian food. I LOVE Asian food. But I’m also super round and need to watch my calories. This seemed like the perfect mission. Make something Asian inspired. Make it healthy. GO!

NOTE: I am also trying to come up with more vegetarian friendly foods or foods that can easily be made vegetarian because at least two of the four people (I assume at least four people read this site) who read my recipes don’t eat meat! I gotta keep them happy. SO if you’re one of those people, eliminate the chicken. If you happen to be vegan, eliminate the fish sauce. If you are neither of those things, then do what you want (well do what I want really).

So let’s get to it.

Ingredients: (this is going to make a lot. The leftovers are so worth it).

Note: There are a lot of ingredients. I’m sorry…. But I’m also not sorry because this is MY recipe not yours.

-1 box (1 lb.) Whole wheat linguine (yup. Whole wheat. It’s healthier and it doesn’t get mooooshy when you cook it twice. Spoiler alert, the noodles get cooked twice).

Note: The choice of noodle is really what makes this “faux mein” I tried using lo mein noodles. They and I had a fight. It was ugly. I cried.

-4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (there is a joke here somewhere, but I’m tired so insert joke here) that have been cut into cubes about an inch big.

-2 large carrots (thinly sliced. I like to slice them at an angle to be fancy. As long as they are thin (unlike my waist) they will be good).

-a large handful of snap peas.

-1 medium onion (also thinly sliced. Cut in half and then make thin strips… I hope that makes sense).

-1 red (because red is the best kind) bell pepper (cut into thin strips. Yes everything is thin here. No. we’re not being discriminatory. We just want everything to cook at the same time).

-a half a pound or so Brussels sprouts (sliced or shaved. This replaces cabbage. I like it better. You can use cabbage too I guess).

-1 can of sliced water chestnuts (because they are weird and crunchy and I love them).

½ cup green onions (you guessed it, thinly sliced).

NOTE: you can change up the veggies if you don't like these. These were hand selected by me though sooo...

-1/2 cup low sodium soy sauce (Fun fact. I loathe the smell of soy sauce because a girl I used to work with smelled like it all the time. She wasn’t not a nice person. I don’t know why I am sharing that but if I had to live it, you had to know it).

-1/4 cup brown sugar (so OK. This is not necessarily healthy but I can explain. I swear. It’s just 4 tbsp. for the WHOLE recipe. It’s super 100% totally, completely fine).

-2 tbsp. crushed garlic (yup the jarred kind is fine. You know how I feel about garlic fingers).

-1 (crazy generous, because it’s so good) tbsp. minced ginger (this comes in a squeezy bottle and is usually near the crushed garlic in the grocery store. It’s yummy and there is no peeling involved).

-2 (very generous) Tbsp. of your favorite bottled sweet and sour sauce (don’t judge me. We always have it in the house. My husband loves chicken nuggets. This is a staple in the CCF kitchen. It adds a little something to the sauce I swear).

-2 solid dashes of fish sauce (1. This is optional. Omit for vegan friendly option. 2. Omit if you don’t think you will like it, or don’t want to buy it but I think you should try it. 3. DO NOT SMELL IT. It’s horrible. I know now that I have said this you will do the exact opposite, so if you do, try it anyway. I promise it’s good in sauces).

-1 tsp. sesame oil (a little goes a LONG way with this).

-1 and ½ to 2 tsp. Chili flakes (I make this pretty spicy guys. My guests were sniffling. I apologized for the heat. They yelled at me. They were right to. It was delicious. Reduce the amount if you are sensitive to spice).

-2 tbsp. Corn starch (it seems weird. It helps the sauce coat your noodles. We want our noodles coated. This is not a euphemism… right now).

-1 splash of rice wine vinegar (white vinegar will be OK too).

-4 tbsp. water (this seems so boring compared to the rest of the ingredients).

-2-3 tbsp. vegetable or canola oil (do not use olive oil. It will smoke too much).

-Salt and pepper to taste.

NOTE: It’s a good idea to chop all your veggies and chicken before-hand. Once you start cooking, things move pretty quickly (unlike me. I am not fast).

OK now that the laundry list of ingredients is complete, let’s cook.

To make the sauce:

In a medium bowl, combine the ½ cup of soy sauce, ¼ cup brown sugar, 2 tbsp. crushed garlic, 1 (heaping) tbsp. minced ginger, 2 tbsp. sweet and sour sauce (the one you judged me for), 2 (optional) dashes of fish sauce (that you did NOT smell), 1 tsp. sesame oil, 1-2 tsp. chili flake and the splash of rice wine vinegar (phew that was exhausting).

Combine the four tbsp. water, with 2 tbsp. corn starch and mix until completely dissolved and there are no lumps (lumps are bad. Even the word is bad. I don’t like it).

Pour the cornstarch and water mixture into the sauce mixture and stir to combine.

Pour a few tbsp. of the sauce over the cubed chicken (which you should sprinkle with a little salt and pepper) if you’re using chicken and set aside (YAY! we love setting things aside!!!).

Bring a large pot of well salted water (They say it should taste like the sea. I say it should taste like my stress tears because I’m nervous about making something new. I’m more familiar with stress tears than I am the sea).

Drop the box (1 lb.) whole wheat pasta into the water and boil according to the “al dente” instructions on the box. About 9 or 10 minutes. The noodles get cooked again (GASP! Shocking reveal right???) So you don’t want them to overcook.

In a large skillet (or Wok if you are cool like me) heat the 2-3 tbsp. vegetable oil over high heat.

Once the oil is hot, if you’re using chicken, add the chicken to the pan and cook for 5 minutes or so stirring consistently.

Remove the chicken (which will not be fully cooked so don’t eat it!) and set aside (WOO!).

Add in ALL of the chopped veggies and cook for about 5 minutes until they just start to soften (like my heart when I see baby elephants… sigh… I love elephants…).

Just like the chicken, keep the veggies moving so they don’t burn (like me on a sunny day).

Add the chicken back to the pan and cook for 1-2 minutes more stirring everything almost constantly.

Once the pasta is cooked, add directly to the Wok or pan (if you’re not addicted to kitchen stuff like I am).

Pour the rest of the sauce over the pasta and toss everything together in the pan, until everything is coated and the noodles are mixed in with the chicken (if you used it) and veggies.

Add in the ½ cup sliced green onions and cook for a minute or two more, continuing to stir.

Taste and add any necessary salt and pepper.

Serve as a side dish or main course. Serve with frozen egg rolls and cream cheese wontons because you’re too lazy to make them from scratch (or because you are already so nervous making this recipe you have never made before, that you just made up this week and need to at least control something… not that I did that or anything…).

Use a fork or chopsticks (if like me, you like to wear your noodles and enjoy!).