Because we’re not about limiting ourselves to Cinco de Mayo. Because Guac is delicious. Because avocados.
This past week I made a taco bar in honor of Cinco de Mayo or at least that’s what I told people. The real reason I went full fiesta was because I had been craving guacamole and wanted an excuse to make it (now before you judge this sentence let me be clear. I know full well that no one NEEDS an excuse to make guacamole. Guac should just occur as if by magic. Please hold back your scoffs until the end. OK thanks).
Truth be told, I had just been too lazy to make it. For some reason, in my head the entire task seemed daunting.
Sure I have made guacamole before… but who wants to play the “is this avocado gonna be ripe enough, just right or bad, bad, bad game? It’s Just SO annoying!
(Although a darling friend did let me in on a hot tip. “The best avocados seem to come from Target” She isn’t sure why but she swears by it and I’m willing to trust her. Also I just love Target).
The kicker here kids is that this recipe (If you don’t count salt and pepper because they, like guac, should just occur like magic) is only five ingredients!
This recipe requires only the effort it takes to peel, smoosh and mince!
I let myself down all these days.
This post is my redemption!
LET THERE BE GUAC!!!
Ok stop being so dramatic. Here is what you need.
-3-4 Avocados (Ripe. I know this part sucks but they have to be ripe. Yes, leaving un-ripened ones in a paper bag for a few days does speed up the process but there is really no way to ripen them same day. Believe me, I have tried and failed over and over again… although it’s not like I have a complex about it or anything…).
-The Juice of half a lime (Unlike our friendly avocado, if your lime is being kind of a dick about ripeness, 10 or so seconds on low in the microwave will help release its juices… Which is a sentence that was as gross for me to type as it was for you to read).
-½ a Jalapeno, seeded, deveined, and minced into super crazy tiny pieces (1. I am aware this is a very specific instruction but I’m a control freak and I need it to be this way. If you want willy-nilly guacamole go elsewhere… but please don’t… I love you… 2. You should probably wear disposable gloves when deseeding and deveining a jalapeno… This could save you from all the tears. Literally. DO. NOT. TOUCH. YOUR. EYES! FIRE BAD! If you opt out of the gloves WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS!!! It’s not like I know from where I speak or anything. I need you to have blind faith in me…blind like you will be if you touch your eyes after deseeding a jalapeno).
NOTE: The reason we’re going through all of this dramatic work with the pepper (which incidentally is was less work than I am making it seem) is because we want the jalapeno deliciousness without adding too much heat. If you want more spice and don’t want to taste the avocado you waited so patiently for to ripen, feel free to leave in the seeds for the heat… who am I to judge? I’m just the one snarkily writing the recipe for you).
-1/2 small red onion (add more if you want, I like the onion, but too much could overpower everything soooo yeah…) also super finely minced into tiny perfect little onion squares (OOOH! Another good band name! We’re killing it).
-Salt and pepper (which again I don’t count as an actual ingredient because OF COURSE YOU USE SALT AND PEPPER!!! Said in my best Billy Eichner voice) to taste.
OK kids. Here comes the hard part… I do SO hope you are up to the task. It may be in your best interest to get some stretches in. I can’t have you hurting yourselves on my account.
In a bowl, add ½ jalapeno (the one you seeded, deveined, expertly minced and didn’t touch your eyes afterward handeling), and ¼- ½ red onion (also expertly minced. Yes red is a must, I should have said this earlier but I like to fool myself into thinking you listen to me).
NOTE: I also feel like I should say something here about onions making you cry and how running cold water while cutting can help… I may have even said this in previous posts… But I don’t want to scare you into thinking that between the onion and pepper, guacamole will ACTUALLY make you blind… It won’t I promise. Guac is not a sin! (If that joke landed, it’s SO off-color… like an un-ripened avocado… I’m not sorry for it. I made myself laugh out loud. If the joke didn’t land I’m also not sorry for the same reason).
Add the 3-4 (depending on the size just like everything else in life) avocados which have been cubed.
How do I cube an avocado you ask? Well I’ll tell you... and when it doesn’t make sense because of how inarticulate I am, feel free to google it.
Step 1: With a sharp knife, score the avocado around the edge following the pit and then twist the two halves in opposite directions to separate (you following? No? Meh. Me neither. Google here we come).
Step 2: Very carefully (because you scare me when you have a knife in your hands) whack the knife into the avocado pit, twist (Please, please, please don’t cut yourself! A larger knife works better for this step because again size matters) and pull. If done correctly you should now have a pit-free avocado and a knife with a pit stuck on it. If you see this, you are winning at avocados!
Step 3: Once you have finally removed the pit from your knife, or gotten so frustrated, you went and got a second knife, (CAREFULLY so as to not go through the skin of both the avocado and your hand) slice the avocado into squares making lines going one way across and then the opposite direction, while still in the skin). (Yup definitely making no sense)
Step 4: (If I have not lost you so far) Use a spoon to scrape your avocado pieces out of the skin and into the bowl.
Once you have figure out what the hell I just said to you and your avocado is in the bowl, add the juice of half the lime (this is not only for great lime-esc flavor but it also keeps your guac pretty and green and not ugly and brown… which by the way, is still delicious. It’s just oxidized in the air like all the good veggies do… and we don’t judge… but yeah we kinda do…).
Smoooooooosh your avocado with a fork until almost fully mashed but still fairly chunky (like me) and mix well to incorporate all your ingredients (wasn’t this exhausting??? I hope you all made it through).
Add salt and pepper (obviously) to taste.
Step back and marvel at its beauty (I feel like because I just used the word marvel and because guacamole is green, I should make some sort of Incredible Hulk reference… um… maybe scream “Hulk SMASH” when you’re in there smooshing those avocados. That seems right yeah? OK good. Topical reference out if the way).
Serve with your favorite chips. Serve on tacos. Serve on toast (like the delightfully basic bitch that you are). Eat it with a spoon. Eat it with your hands like Winnie the Pooh eats honey.
The choice is yours!
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