(Because retro appetizers never go out of style)
This Sunday is Easter. This is not one of those holidays where I have a ton of steadfast traditions that I cannot modify or change because I’m so rigid that if I do, the whole holiday will be ruined.
This is one of those holidays where I’ll probably make a ham. Maybe I’ll make lamb. Who knows? I’ll make some kind of potato. I’ll make some sort of spring vegetable.
Maybe I will have people over, maybe I won’t. It simply varies from year to year. I mean hell, even control freaks get to take a minute out…
There is however one tradition that I simply refuse to skip. We MUST have deviled eggs. I mean doesn’t the Easter Bunny (who we have established scares the crap out of me) lay eggs or whatever? Eggs on Easter are a staple.
I don’t care if I am spending the day alone on my couch watching mindless television and I have to eat them all alone (Not that I have done this… yet…). There. Will. Be. Deviled eggs. End of story.
There are many, many, many, ways to prepare a deviled egg. All are valid. All have their place in the world. I’m sure at least some are delicious. One must have a foundation however, on which to build their deviled egg platform. A road map who’s purpose is to spring forth all other deviled egg excursions (don’t you love how dramatic I can be about an egg filled with mayonnaise??? I do too).
Here is mine foundation.
NOTE: This recipe is mindlessly easy. This is not my attempt at insulting you. I know you are fully capable (I say “I know” but I should say “I hope” but I’m feeling generous) of handling a more complex recipe. I could fancify (new word) this one and make it more complex… But I am an egg purest. There is just no need to do so. So I’m going to need you to settle down, and just be OK with it.
Ingredients:
-12 eggs (brown eggs, white eggs, large eggs, small eggs jumbo eggs. It just doesn’t matter).
-1/3 cup mayonnaise (maybe a little more depending on your egg choice. This can be reduced fat if you are counting calories and it will still be delicious. It CANNOT be fat free mayo because we just don’t believe in that on this page. How can you make something that is made from eggs and oil fat free?!?!?! What even is that?!?!? No! Just NO!).
-1 (heaping) Tbsp. mustard (this can be yellow, spicy brown, Dijon, whole grain or anything you chose. My preference is Dijon. It has wine it in. Need I say more?).
-1 Tsp. white vinegar plus a splash (yup. The same stuff I use to clean out my garbage disposal. The same stuff I put on my French fries and fried rice… mmmmm. The same stuff that I will put on my fish and chips if malt vinegar isn’t an option. The same stuff that makes a great window cleaner… AND the same stuff that helps mosquito bites stop itching if you don’t mind smelling like a French fry! Man I love vinegar! It’s so multifaceted).
-Salt and pepper to taste (This really depends on your preference here. I’m gonna have to give up control and trust you on this… It’s fine. I’m fine… Everything’s FINE…).
-Everything Bagel Seasoning (This is for topping. You will need a table spoon or two).
NOTE: This is now readily available in the spice section of most supermarkets. Trader Joe’s “Everything But the Bagel” Seasoning is my personal favorite. IF you can’t find it, it’s as simple as combining dried minced garlic, dried minced onion, poppy seeds, sesame seeds, black sesame seeds and flaked sea salt. Simple yes, but expensive. You can also just order it online (like the cool kids do). You could also just omit this all together but then your eggs fail to be “everything” and that seems sad…
Let’s cook!
Fun Fact: I’m going to let you in on a little secret here kids. I suck at hard-boiling eggs! I don’t know what it is. My Egg boiling struggle is SO real. So if you have a better way to do this, I’m willing to relinquish control once again (still fine…) but here we go anyway.
In a large pot place all 12 eggs. Fill the pot with enough water to completely cover the eggs by one inch or so.
Pour a splash of your multi-talented white vinegar (if an egg breaks, this keeps the whites from running out and ruining everything ever).
Place pot over medium heat and bring to a boil (I’m gonna need you to watch it. I know they say a watched pot never boils and I know we have talked about this before. This is just an old wives tail and we are NOT old OK?!?!?!)}.
Once the pot comes to a boil, turn off the heat (I know we’re more used to turning on the heat because we’re so fiery but we can do it) cover the pot and let sit for about 9 minutes.
Transfer your eggs into a bowl of ice water and let cool completely (You will need to be patient here. I know this may not be your special skill but suck it up cupcake. We have eggs to devil!).
Once your eggs are completely cool, peel and rinse them (peeling hard boiled eggs is one of my least favorite kitchen tasks ever. This is how much I love deviled eggs. The mere fact that I am willing to complete this tedious, frustrating and arduous task just proves my undying egg love).
Slice your eggs in half and scoop the yolk out into a bowl (because I’m so uptight I use a damp paper towel to dust off any yolk left on the egg white but if you don’t care about appearance and can accept messy eggs you do not have to do this).
NOTE: You can slice the eggs in half so that they lay down the long way, which is traditional and the easiest way. You can also slice them “straight up” (no not like a cocktail sadly) so that they sit taller and take up less room. If you chose this route you will want to take a little off the bottom of each side so that they don’t topple over (like me after a few straight up cocktails).
Once all your eggs are sliced (cleaned because I know you care) and laid out on their platter you it’s time to focus on the filling.
Using a fork, mash the egg yolks as finely as you can get them. It will resemble some sort of weird egg powder (which when you think about is really off-putting).
Add the 1/3 cup mayonnaise, the 1 tsp. white vinegar and the 1 tbsp. of mustard. Mix together mashing any lumps to the best of your ability (it doesn’t have to be perfect, I’m learning to manage my expectations… yup still fine!).
NOTE: If you need to add more mayo or vinegar do so a little at a time to achieve your desired consistency (incidentally I wish adding more mayo would help ME achieve my desired consistency but it seems to have the opposite effect).
Add salt and pepper and mix again.
NOTE: For this next step you can just use two spoons and scoop the filling into the whites but it won’t be as pretty. If you feel like throwing caution to the wind, then the spoons are for you.
Fill a piping bag (if you have one, which you don’t because I don’t even have one) or a plastic sandwich bag with your filling. (The easiest way to do this is to place the bag in a tall glass with the corner facing the bottom of the glass. Fold the sides of the bag over the edge of the glass. I don’t think this makes sense at all but shit guys I don’t talk good).
Cut the tip (or corner) off the bag and squeeze the filling into the hollowed out and beautifully cleaned egg whites.
Sprinkle the “everything bagel” seasoning over the top (you can also add some paprika if you’re a traditionalist or have opted not to make or buy this seasoning thus making the title of this recipe a LIE).
Hide from the people in your house because they will eat them and refrigerate until time to serve.
Fun Fact: One Easter I made 1 dozen eggs. This yields 24 deviled eggs. My brother showed up with 24 of his deviled eggs. This was 48 deviled eggs. I had about 7 guests. At the end of the night we had 4 eggs left.
Not one of us had regrets.
Neither will you. Enjoy!!!
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