Because I tried something kinda like it in a restaurant and now I want it all the time.
I am not a vegetarian. Not by any stretch. Give me a medium-rare steak any day of the week. I’m never going to turn down bacon you guys, it’s just not going to happen (and trust and believe I have the thighs to prove it).
That being said I love vegetables. I love veggies the way Oprah loves bread. I. LOVE. VEGETABLES.
… I LOVE VEGETABLESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
Ahem… Because I love veggies so much, I often find myself ordering vegetarian options off restaurant menus if they sound fun and or interesting.
While out to dinner with some pals recently, I did just this very thing. I ordered something on the menu called “Boom Boom Cauliflower”. It was lightly fried, coated in a sweet and spicy sauce and it was so delicious it haunts me (and not just because the name makes me upset and uncomfortable. I mean Boom boom??? No. Just no.).
It got me wondering what other kind of sweet and sticky Asian inspired sauces I could use on cauliflower. It got me thinking “oh hey, no fried food for you because of that pesky roundness issue… can we bake it instead”? It got me thinking about it for several weeks, until I couldn’t take it anymore and finally made it (you guys. Sometimes I just don’t wanna make things. Sometimes there is too much TV to watch and too much internet to search… maybe I am also straight up lazy… It happens ya know?).
But today, I got off the couch on my one day off, I grabbed that giant head of cauliflower and I cooked the shit out of it (this almost went to a weird place for a hot minute… Clearly I’m in a mood…).
Imma tell you how to make it. You are SO welcome.
What you need:
(For the Cauliflower)
-¾ 1 large head of cauliflower (why do we call things like Cauliflower, or lettuce a “head” is it because of the size? Like is it the size of one’s head??? It’s off-putting no matter the reason…).
-1 sleeve of saltine crackers (I was gonna use panko. I was out of panko. I tossed crackers in the food processor and blitzed the hell out of them. You can use panko. Saltines come pre-salted. This works for me. Do what you want ok? I don’t even care or anything… I mean do, but whatever).
-½ cup plain bread crumbs (I like a variety of texture here).
-3 large eggs (beaten like my spirit).
-1 tbsp. Sriracha (I hate spelling this word. It makes me hostile).
-1 tsp. Garlic powder.
-½ tsp. salt (more if you ignored me and used panko).
-¼ tsp. black pepper.
(For the sauce)
-½ cup low sodium soy sauce (just buy low sodium staples moving forward guys. We’re control freaks. This includes, but is not limited to salt content).
-¼ cup rice wine vinegar (keep this is the house too. It’s inexpensive and good for lots of stuff).
-1 tbsp. white vinegar (it tastes different OK??? Sheesh!).
-½ cup sugar (gotta balance out that sour with sweet. We simply cannot rely on our own sweetness here, we’d be screwed… and everything would be SO bitter… like me).
-2 tbsp. Sriracha (you can add less if you don’t like heat… but I will secretly call you a little baby in my head).
-½ cup water (no snarky water statements necessary).
-1 &1/2 Tbsp. Corn starch (We use this as a thickener. I know I’m plenty thick myself, but it doesn’t translate into recipes sadly… imagine if it did though??? Sigh…).
-1 tsp. minced ginger (As a ginger myself, I make it a point to use ginger as often as I can. I just seems like I should ya know?).
-2 tbsp. sesame seeds for garnish (more if you like more. Go wild!).
OK my pretties, let’s cook!
Preheat your oven to 400 degrees.
Line a sheet pan with tin foil and place two baking wracks (if you have them… and if you do, hey nice wrack! …not even a little ashamed of that one) on top of the baking sheet. (If you don’t have a nice baking wrack you can just place the cauliflower on the pan, which has been sprayed with the cooking spray I forgot to add to the ingredients list and flip halfway through cooking).
In a shallow dish, add the one tbsp. Sriracha to the three beaten eggs and mix well.
In a separate bowl, combine the cracker crumbs (or panko…pffft…) with the ½ cup bread crumbs, ½ tsp. salt, ¼ tsp. pepper, and 1 tsp. garlic powder and mix to combine.
Set aside!
Using a knife, your hands or sheer force of will, cut, break or “Jedi Mind Trick” your head of cauliflower into bite size pieces.
Remove about 1 quarter of the cauliflower and store for some other recipe. If it’s a smaller head, you can omit this step. It’s really hard to gauge size in terms of head… and I don’t want to talk about it anymore…
Dip your bite sized cauliflower pieces into the egg mixture and then transfer to the cracker/bread crumb mixture and make sure the pieces are well coated.
NOTE: There are lots of schools of thought about breading and having one dry hand and one wet hand so nothing gets all clumpy or something. If you have that kind of coordination then great. If you’re like me and have zero grace, elegance or coordination, then do what ya gotta do to get this shit coated.
Place each breaded cauliflower piece onto your (nice) baking wracks (which have been sprayed with that spray I keep forgetting), or on to the foil-lined and sprayed baking sheet).
Spay the top of the breaded cauliflower with that spray (which I should just go back and add to the ingredients list but I won’t, since now it’s a bit and I don’t wanna rewrite anything) and bake for about 25 minutes.
The cauliflower will be softer but still toothsome (such a good word!) and the breading will be golden brown.
NOTE: OK so fun fact, the end result of the recipe is not crispy. We want the breading crispy however because we want our sauce to stick out the cauliflower. The breading is going to take that sauce and hold on to it for dear life. Without this crispy breading, the sauce would just slide right off the cauliflower. This thought offends me. One time, in an episode of the Golden Girls, Sophia’s sister yelled “May your marinara never cling to your pasta!” Sophia was (rightfully) horrified. What a terrible fate! This is how we feel about our sauce in all circumstances.
Once cooked set aside and allow to cool a little bit, before placing it in a large bowl to await its saucing (Which is different for the cauliflower than it is for me. I’m my world it just means I’m waiting for more wine…).
While all this sauce-waiting is going down, you should probably make said sauce.
In a small sauce pan (we know we’re using the right pan simply by its name. How gratifying!), add the ¼ cup soy sauce, the ¼ cup rice wine vinegar, the 1 tbsp. white vinegar (which again does in fact taste different), the 2 tbsp. Sriracha sauce, the ½ cup of water, the 1 tsp. minced ginger and the 1 & ½ tbsp. cornstarch and mix well (make sure to mix well, corn starch can get lumpy… like me in leggings…).
Cook on low heat for about 7 minutes until your sauce thickens (like me in leggings).
Once the sauce has thickened, pour (slowly because it’s hot…literally and figuratively) over the cauliflower and toss to combine.
Top with the sesame seeds for texture and because they’re pretty damn it!
Serve with rice or noodles. Add green onions for color. Have as a sexy little side dish (like me) or as the main event (…also like me? I don’t know I’m off my game today…).
No matter how you serve it, make sure you enjoy it. That’s a direct order.
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