(Because my sister is bossy and demanded this recipe).
OK guys, we’re about a month or so into this quarantine non-sense, and I for one am over it.
We are in it, it is not over yet, and we may as well make the best of it by baking.
This has its pros and cons.
Pros: People are discovering the joys and relaxation of getting into the kitchen and turning nothing into something delicious.
Cons: Y’all are making so much sour dough I can’t get my hands on any flour anymore!!!
My bossy sister (she’s not bossy, she’s a damn delight, but don’t tell her I said that), requested some ideas for savory snacks, and reminded me that when this whole thing began, Cheez-it’s were one of the first snacks to disappear from the shelves.
The solution: Make them yourself. But use pepper jack cheese because we are fun like that.
OK! Here is what you need:
- 1 Cup of all-purpose flour (if you can get your hands on some wanna share with me? Since I’m nice enough to teach you things?).
- 8 Oz. (1 brick) Pepper Jack cheese (shredded. It’s best to shred this yourself, it just comes out better and we don’t want an inferior product).
NOTE: Use a good brand of cheese. I find the store-brand cheeses are not as spicy and that makes me sad. So, to avoid making me sad, use something delicious like Cabot or Boar’s Head.
- 1/8 Cup shredded (or ground, or even that powdery, dried, weird) parmesan cheese.
- 1 Tsp. seasoned salt (which is a weird ingredient, but it has a place in the world. We accept all kinds of ingredients up in this bitch, let’s be open minded mmmk?).
- ½ Tsp. Garlic powder (Everything savory, is better with garlic powder… And yeah I did have to specify savory, we’re open minded, but we’re not gross).
- ½ Stick of cold butter (cubed so that it looks like cheese but isn’t cheese so don’t forget that’s it’s not cheese, and pop one of those bad-boys into your mouth. Butter is delicious for sure, but that is a bit excessive).
- 3 Tbsp. (Super cold, icy, like my heart) water.
- Course (like my personality) sea salt, for topping the crackers.
OK! Let’s bake these spicy bitches!
NOTE: Spicy Bitch was my nickname in college… OK maybe it wasn’t but maybe it should have been OK?!
In a food processor (or a bowl, but trust me a food processor is the move here, it’s gonna save you SO much strength), add the 1 cup (ap) flour, ½ stick of (cheese-looking, but not cheese), cold, cubed butter, 8oz. shredded (high-end, pinky-out) pepper jack cheese, 1/8 cup (of whichever you decided on) parm (short for parmesan and yeah I felt I needed to explain that), the 1 tsp. seasoned salt, and the ½ tsp. garlic powder.
Pulse (blend in short bursts so-as-to not over-mix, for those of you who don’t know) together until the mixture resembles coarse sand.
NOTE: If you are not using a food processor because you hate yourself, or simply don’t have one, break down the cheese, and butter with a fork or pastry cutter as you mix until you achieve the desired texture. This is going to take a while. Be patient. OR order a damn food processor because it’s awesome and you wont regret it.
Add in the 3 tbsp. (cold like my heart) water, and pulse again (or continue mixing by hand, well not with your actual hands, you can use a fork, although your hands are fine too unless they are not washed, in which case wash your damn hands!), until the dough just comes together.
NOTE: you should still see small chunks of butter and cheese. This is good. This ensures a flaky cracker (flaky cracker is probably what I’m going to start calling you now, so that’s fun!).
Once the dough is formed, flatten into a disk, wrap in plastic wrap, and refrigerate for an hour.
NOTE: The cold dough also ensures a flaky cracker. So, Flaky Cracker, trust the process will ya?
Preheat the oven (because we are wise and have foresight) to 350 degrees.
Once the dough is properly chilled (like the stare I give most people), roll the disk out until its about ¼ if an inch thick (as thin as you can really), if you find the dough sticking add flour (if you have any more, sigh….) to the surface and continue rolling.
Cut the rolled-out dough into tiny squares. You can use a knife, or a pizza cutter, or the tiny square cookie cutters I have, and add a tint hole to the center of the square for even baking.
NOTE: This step is even more tedious than I can explain. Even writing it was tedious. It’s just gonna suck until you’re done.
Lay the squares on a baking sheet lined with parchment or sil-pats (please please please get at least the parchment for this. You will NOT regret it, and I ask you for so little in life…), and sprinkle with course sea salt.
Bake for 15-17 minutes, until all are baked evenly (even, unlike my temper).
Allow to cool completely. They will become crunchier as they cool so chill the hell out and have some wine while you wait.
These will be super yummy with the rest of that wine!
It is important to hide these from people as they will go missing as soon as they are sampled. I have seen it happen with my very own eyes.
Stay safe kids and enjoy!
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