(Because we can’t keep giving people fruit and calling it dessert...).
OK. So I have been hiding from the oven all summer and people are starting to notice. Last week I tried to pass off frozen pureed watermelon and mint simple syrup as “sorbet”.
The people at work have been dropping ever-so subtle hints like “when are you gonna bake again?” …
I thought I was going to make it through the summer without using that stupid oven but sadly we must give the people what they want.
I decided the people want brownies (because cookies require batches and standing and scooping and brownies are made in one pan and I can go drink on the couch while watching Dawson’s Creek reruns while they bake).
I decided the people want Rocky Road brownies (because plain brownies don’t make for a fancy blog post).
I decided I should maybe pretend to ask people their opinion as to what kind of brownies fully knowing I was going to make Rocky Road brownies no matter what they said.
Weirdly enough when I asked my large group sampling of one friend, her response actually WAS Rocky Road brownies. It was fate. One mustn’t mess with brownie fate. It is the truest and purest of all the fates. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Now that I have rambled on about nothing once again let me tell you what you need to make ”fate brownies” (it should be noted that I keep misspelling fate as fat… This post is trying to tell me something).
Here is what you need:
-2 sticks of butter (or 1 cup if you care, which of course you don’t because you really just want me to get on with it already).
2 and ¼ cups sugar (This is a lot if sugar. Just accept it. Brownies are not health food. It’s probably why “fate” keeps showing up as “fat”).
1 tbsp. Vanilla extract (yeah. It’s a lot. Yeah. Vanilla isn’t cheap. No. I don’t care).
4 large eggs (beaten like my spirit).
1 and ¼ cups cocoa powder (this is going to make a mess. When you use a damp paper towel to clean it, it’s going to make it worse. I’m warning you now so you don’t have a meltdown in the kitchen… not that I did that or anything).
1 tsp. salt (don’t level it off. These are sweet. If your drop a little more salt in no one will be mad at you… at least for this).
1 tsp. baking powder (do level this off because science).
1 tbsp. instant espresso (I like to think of this as multi-purposed. It makes chocolate more chocolatey. It reduces some of the sweetness from all that glorious sugar. It makes things taste a little like coffee. And finally it allows us to be super awake while enjoying these brownies).
1 and ½ cups of all-purpose flour (AP. Flour to us cool kids).
1 bag semi-sweet chocolate chips (remember! Not milk chocolate!!! I made that mistake with cookies recently and never heard the end of it… from myself).
1 cup of chopped pecans (yes again not cheap. But we’re “pinky out” around here and require our ingredients to match).
3/4 a bag of frozen mini marshmallows (why frozen? Because I said so! Also science… also we don’t want them to burn or disintegrate).
Now that you had to take out a small loan for our ingredients list, let’s bake these bitches!
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
In a large bowl, add the 1 and ½ cups (AP) flour, 1 tbsp. instant espresso, 1 tsp. baking powder, and the 1 tsp. salt. Whisk or sift (or whatever you need to do to ensure nothing is lumpy) until well combined.
Set aside.
In a small saucepan, over medium-low heat, melt the 2 sticks of butter.
Once the butter is all melted add in the 2 and ¼ cup sugar and stir constantly for two minutes (yes, this is an annoying step. But listen ya big baby, we cannot let this bubble. If this bubbles we’ve gone too far. Our sugar and butter start to become caramel. We have to revamp our entire dessert plan and we’re far too controlling for that shit).
Set aside in a bowl or stand mixer (because by now you have a stand mixer since you love me so much), and allow to cool for about 2-3 minutes.
Once this sexy butter/sugar situation is cooler we can turn on our stand or hand mixer (stand or hand mixer may make the list of band name).
One spoonful at a time, add in your dry ingredients until all combined (and it looks dry and sandy and you’re thinking damn these brownies are gonna be dry and this woman has no idea what she is doing, which is really rude of you to think by the way).
Add 1 tbsp. vanilla extract into your 4 (beaten) eggs and mix until blended.
Add the eggs and vanilla to the (sandy looking mixture that pre-judged) and mix again.
NOTE: you will notice that everything will begin to look luscious and chocolaty and gorgeous and you will begin to feel guilty for judging the person who is sitting here trying to teach you how to make these sexy brownies. This step is normal.
Add in ¾ of the bag of semi-sweet (because we need everything to be slightly bitter like us) chocolate chips, ½ the bag of (frozen because you trust me) marshmallows and ¾ cup of pecans and continue to mix (until your mixer sounds like it hates you because it’s working so hard to mix all these chunky and delicious things together). (Chunky and delicious would make a pretty good nickname for a gal like me…).
NOTE: those of you who are perceptive will have noticed we held back some of each of these ingredients. Those will come in to play soon. I’m SO proud of you for catching that!
Spray a baking pan or dish or whatever you wanna call it (preferably a 9X13 one but if you don’t have it just keep checking on the oven and use whatever the hell size pan you have).
Spread this (super gorgeous and sexy batter that you did NOT eat all of before baking) evenly into your greased pan.
Top with the remaining ¼ bag of chocolate chips, ¼ bag of mini (frozen like my heart) marshmallows, and the last ¼ cup chopped pecans (make it look pretty because we’re shallow and judge things by how they look).
Bake for roughly 30-35 minutes. …maybe even 40…
You want a toothpick to come out clean when tested.
NOTE: because of all the chocolate chips this probably won’t happen but you WILL be able to tell which chocolate chip is and which is batter because you’re smart and pretty. Also if you tough the top and they seem too soft let them bake a few more minutes.
Allow to cool completely before cutting into little squares and displaying them like the works of art that they are.
Slap the hand of your pal who keeps stealing them as you cut them, while secretly feeling smug because you know you just killed it with this recipe.
Enjoy with maple pecan ice-cream because that’s what we did.
Or ya know enjoy however you want them if you have to be like that.
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