Because my personality shouldn’t be the only thing that’s salty.
Ever want to make a dessert that could potentially spark a fist-fight amongst your friends? Of course you do. Why wouldn’t you. You’re as maniacal as I am. It’s why you read this. You say you’re here for the food. Maybe you are but you stay for the snark. It’s why I love you.
This cheesecake triggered a reaction in my friends purely based on the photos I sent to a group chat. They argued over who wouldn’t get any of it, they argued over who would eat ALL of it. They hadn’t even tasted it yet. It’s just that good.
I could have used this to my advantage. I could have made them do things for me in order to have some. I didn’t. I have regrets. There is still hope for you. Let me tell you how to make it.
Ingredients:
(For the crust)
-1 and 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs (Wanna know something awesome? You can buy these already crushed! If there is a short cut, we are HERE FOR IT! If you feel like bashing up graham crackers will help you get out some pent up aggression however, please go for it. If not, you can find ready-made crumbs in the baking isle).
-3 tbsp. sugar (we will use more for the cake so don’t think this is low calorie or anything. IF there was such thing as low calorie cheesecake, I would want NO part of it).
-1/3 cup melted butter (The little lines on the butter stick will tell you what this is, but if you want to know terms of spoonage, (a word I just made up) it would be 5 tbsp. Plus 1 tsp.).
-¼ tsp. table salt (I have nothing funny to say about this).
(For the cake)
-4 (8oz.) packages of softened (leave it out on the counter for a few hours) cream cheese (indulge me here for a moment pals. I’m going to tell you to get name brand. Philadelphia would be my choice. Something about store brand just feels plasticy to me. It could be all in my head. It probably is. This is my right as a Condescending Control Freak and you as my reader will need to be OK with it).
NOTE: Please please please do not use reduced fat. I stand by my previous statement. Diet cheesecake doesn’t exist. End of story.
-1 cup sugar (See I told you there was more).
-2 tsp. vanilla extract (Am I the only one who contemplates taking a swig from the vanilla extract bottle? I can’t be. Don’t you lie to me!).
-4 large eggs (Why large? Because why not. Let’s not be sizest. We embrace eggs of size in this community).
(For the caramel)
-1 cup tightly packed brown sugar (tightly packed brown sugar sounds inappropriate. You’re welcome).
-½ cup butter (half a stick or four tbsp. I think we have covered all the things…).
-¼ cup milk (use whatever milk you have in your fridge. Skim milk won’t make it any better for you, but it’s all I keep in the house).
1 tsp. vanilla extract (if you didn’t drink the bottle that is).
Course Sea salt (This is to sprinkle over the top. I used about a teaspoon and a half, but this is one time I will leave it up to you… don’t get used to it).
OK enough ingredients. I’m annoying myself at this point. Let’s make this damn cake.
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.
Spray a spring-form pan with cooking spray, or grease with butter (yeah I said spring-form pan. You should buy one. But if you don’t feel like you want to listen to me and don’t want your cheese cake to be “fist-fight” level gorgeous, you can use a cake pan or a pie tin. I mean you could even buy your graham cracker crust all pre-made and stuff and eliminate this first section all together. It’s your call in the end).
In a large bowl combine 1 and ½ cups of graham cracker crumbs with 3 tbsp. sugar, 1/3 cup melted butter, and ¼ tsp. table salt. Mix until all of the crumbs are moistened (yes I hate myself for using that word. It makes me shudder).
Pour your moistened (ugh) cracker mixture into your newly purchased spring-form pan and press down into an even layer, allowing to come up the sides of the pan about halfway (I find the best way to do this is to use the bottom of a measuring cup or glass to press into the bottom edges. This will evenly spread the mixture and force some of it up the sides. It also creates and extra dish for you to do and that makes me laugh a little because I am evil).
Place the pan with the crust in the refrigerator until you’re ready to use it (The butter will harden and make for a crumbly delicious crust when baked. Mmmmmm).
While you chill your crust, place four 8oz. bricks of (name brand because we’re like that) softened cream cheese into a mixing bowl or mixer.
Add 1 cup of sugar and the 2 tsp. vanilla extract and cream (blegh that damn word freaks me out too) together until well combined.
Crack your 4 large eggs into a separate bowl (because we’re too good to get shell in our batter). One at a time add your eggs to the mixer, ensuring each egg is blended before adding the next one.
Continue to mix until your mixture resembles something you would want to bathe in because it’s so sexy looking.
Once the batter reaches “sexy bath” stage, pour into crust. Take a moment to (gently because we’re not about to ruin everything) tip the pan should any of the crust be peaking out. We want it ALL covered.
Place in your preheated oven and bake for 55 minutes to an hour.
NOTE: When you remove this from the oven, it’s going to jiggle (much like my thighs) and look like it’s not at all cooked. IT IS, as long as when you carefully shake the pan, no liquid comes out (and I’m sorry for any weird visuals this may cause).
Put aside and allow to cool completely. In fact, just forget it exists for several episodes of whatever TV show you are binge watching, come back to it when it’s room temperature, put it in the fridge and forget about it for several more episodes. We want it to be cold is what I’m trying to say. Four hours is best (but it’s way more fun to measure time in TV show episode length).
Once the cheese cake has cooled enough (we’re talking Netflix has asked you if you’re still watching at least three times by now), run a knife along the edges of the pan.
NOTE: This step is ONLY if you used the spring-form pan I really need you to have bought. If you use any of the other options, you will be serving it in the dish so you can skip all of this.
Once you have ensured the cake is not stuck to the pan’s sides, release the ring of your pan, and carefully (slowly! We’re not an animal) remove.
Step back and look in awe at your gorgeous cheese cake, with its pristine edges and then place it back in the fridge while you make your caramel sauce.
In a good sized sauce pan (we want room for the hot sugar to sputter and boil without touching you. Need I remind you hot sugar hurts! Need I also remind you that “hot sugar hurts” would be a great song title), add the 1 cup tightly packed brown sugar, ½ cup (stick, or 4 tbsp.) butter and the ¼ cup of milk. Mix together.
Over medium heat bring mixture to a low boil 1-2 minutes until thickened. Be careful not to scrape the crystals off the side of the pan (This is going to seem counter intuitive. I tell you to scrap the sides of the pan or bowl all the time. But if we do this on this occasion we will end up with grainy caramel. Can you even imagine?!?!?!).
Once the mixture has thickened, remove from heat and mix in 1 tsp. vanilla extract.
WARNING: DO NOT TASTE THIS UNTIL YOU ALLOW IT TO COOL!!! HOTTTTT. BADDDDDD. NO!
Once the caramel sauce has cooled but is still soft enough to pour, (Slowly) pour on top of the cheese cake directly in the middle (If you hear Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” while you do this, do not be alarmed. It’s a natural reaction to this step).
Using a spoon or an offset spatula (which is yet another kitchen utensil I think you need to buy) spread the caramel sauce to almost the edge but leaving a little room for it to spread.
Sprinkle the top of the caramel with your desired amount of course sea salt and stare at it longingly.
You can serve this immediately or cover and chill for later.
NOTE: If you cover and chill because you have incredible will power and your guests are have not yet arrived or whatever, remove from the fridge a few hours before serving. This will allow the caramel to soften enough to cut. Otherwise it may all come off at once and ruin everything and we will cry and cry.
It’s a lot of steps. It may cause drama amongst who gets the last piece. It’s as good as it looks.
Once again, you are welcome.
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