(Because in these uncertain times carbs are certainly amazing).
Well kids, we’re still sheltering in place, and losing our ever-loving minds.
This means I am still in the kitchen baking anything and everything I can. Trying out things I have never tried before. Challenging myself with new recipes and hating myself for it when I fail.
Condescending control freaks no NOT like to fail.
One project that did not fail and was actually soothing was the fine art of bagel making. It’s a lot of mindless steps and that is all I want in life.
In the words of beloved SNL City Correspondent Stefon Meyers “These bagels have everything”.
Seeds, garlic, yeast, holes, MTV’s Dan Cortese. Everything you could want in a bagel.
Since there are so many damn steps, and it’s gonna take me a while to lay them all out for you in a delightful and witty manor, let’s get right to it shall we?
Here is what you need:
-1 and ¼ Cup (warm like my smile) water.
NOTE: (yes! There is already a note. Calm down! It’s going to be fine) you make not wind up using all the water but measure it out just in case.
-1 Packet of active dry (or instant yeast).
-1 and ½ Tbsp. sugar (Yeast eats sugar. It’s cool and not at all weird that it’s alive and you’re feeding it before baking it into bread).
-4 Cups bread flour (fun fact. This was easier to find than AP flour because times are all uncertain and shit).
-1 and ½ tsp. salt.
-Everything bagel seasoning (which I actually bought on amazon because I ran out and cannot live without it).
-1 tsp. baking soda.
NOTE: This does not go in the dough. Weird right?
OK babes, let’s get it going:
NOTE: If you have a mixer with a dough hook this is a good time to put it to use. IF you don’t you can knead the dough by hand but good luck with that shit.
In ½ a cup of the warm water, add the 1 and ½ tbsp. sugar, and the packet of yeast. Do not mix it, just set it aside for 5 minutes.
While the yeast is having dinner, add 4 cups of bread flour to the bowl of your stand mixer (or a regular bowl if you are going the work-out route), and 1 and ½ tsp. of salt. Mix together with a fork and make a well in the middle of the flour.
Once the yeast has had its full after 5 minutes, stir together so it all dissolves, and pour into that nifty little well you made.
Add 1/3 cup more water and begin to mix.
Once the dough starts to form (it will all come together fairly quickly, if it looks like its not or it seems crumbly, add the remaining water, a little at a time just until it all comes together.
NOTE: if you added too much water, and the dough seems wet, add a little more flour. Like a sprinkle at a time. Do not go crazy here. It’s forgiving dough, but I am not a forgiving woman, so chill out.
Allow the dough hook to knead the dough for 10 minutes (OR if you decided you hate yourself and want to knead the dough by hand, flour your surface, and knead the dough yourself, by hand, for 10 whole minutes… you could be on the couch drinking wine but you chose this path. Good for you).
After 10 minutes, transfer the dough to a bowl that has been lightly greased, cover with a kitchen towel, and place somewhere warm for an hour.
NOTE: It’s never warm enough to proof things in my kitchen. It’s too cold just like my heart, so I put the oven on the warm setting and let it sit in there.
After the our is up, uncover the bowl and (omg this is my favorite part guys! I’m so excited!), and punch down the dough (aghhhhh yeah that’s the stuff…).
Cover the bowl back up and let sit in that warm cozy place for another 10 minutes.
Once the dough has risen a second time, divide into 8 even pieces and roll each into a ball (be gentle here you aggressive monsters, this is not play-dough, have a soft touch with this if you can manage).
Poke your finger through the middle of each ball and form the bagel shape (This is a stupid instruction, but I don’t know how else to explain it and so it’s just going to have to do).
Please each dough ring (not an appetizing description), on a baking sheet lines with parchment or silicone mats (get these guys. They are a game changer. And you want your game changed I know it).
Lay a damp dishcloth over the dough rings (ughhh) and let sit for another 10 minutes.
While the rings rise to the occasion, bring a large pot of water to a bowl and add 1 tsp. baking soda (see! Not in the dough! Told you!).
This is also a good time to preheat your oven to 425
Once the 10 minutes is up, and the water is boiling, boil each ring (I usually do 3 at a time, so you should too because I’m awesome) for 1 minute on each side.
While they are boiling, prepare a surface with (yet another) dish towel (yeah, it’s a lot of dish towels, deal with it).
Once the rings are boiled transfer them to the towel to drain (this is important because if you don’t, you will have soggy bagels, and more importantly I will call you soggy bagels for the rest of time).
While the bagels are still wet sprinkle with “everything” seasoning (or whatever you want really, but this is an everything bagel recipe so don’t get all annoying about it).
Once the bagels are all boiled and drained (like my mood) and sprinkled with deliciousness, transfer back to the parchment or silicone- lined baking sheet and bake for 20 minutes.
Thank me excessively when your house smells all delicious n stuff.
Once cooled, store in an airtight container and enjoy.
Yes. It’s a crap ton of steps. Yes. It’s easier to buy bagels. But what the hell else are we doing all day anyway?!
Be safe and wash your damn hands kids!
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